How to Lose Your Mind in 10 Days

This is a recount of my 10 days following embryo transfer.

Day 1 (Saturday 2/25)

I awoke in the middle of the night with terrible abdominal cramping. My immediate thought was that I was about to start my period. I tossed and turned and finally looked at the time – 4:30am. I couldn’t take it anymore – I went up to the bathroom and was relieved to find zero bleeding. Instead – an explosive wrath commenced. I’ve tried to come up with more colorful expressions: Reverse dinner? Expedited digestion? Poor man’s colonic? Of course my discharge instructions read: “Avoid gassy foods or anything that will cause abdominal cramping. It might be damaging to the pregnancy.” Great – now not only do I feel like shit while I’m shitting – but now I have to this tremendous guilt I have to deal with if anything goes wrong. Shit!

I went back to bed and slept on and off throughout the rest of the morning. Anthony, Jillian, and Kylie took turns doting on me, entertaining me, and feeding me. As you can see from the discharge instructions regarding activity and positioning – they aren’t kidding around. NCRM calls the days following transfer “Princess Days” – CCRM should call theirs “Prisoner Days.”

We played Monopoly and a round of cards. About mid-day everyone could see that I was suffering from major cabin fever and the risk of not following strict orders was greatly outweighed by keeping me from jumping out of the hotel window. We took a drive and got some lunch and went on a car tour of the Garden of the Gods. Just as the name implies – it was gorgeous and monumental.

Our last dinner was spent at a quaint Italian restaurant and a serious discussion commenced about what if this doesn’t work. “We are ready for that possibility, but we won’t blame you, Megan. You have brought hope back into our lives.”

And if none of my stories have shown the true beauty of their souls – it was revealed in that one moment.

Day 2 (Sunday 2/26)

Travel day. It was a whirlwind getting to the airport – getting on a plane – driving home. As soon as I could -- I went on a walk with Jacob and my mom and told her stories from the trip. It was so nice to be outside in the fresh air. I reflected on the long weekend – and thought about the even longer week ahead.

Day 3 (Monday 2/27)

Back at the office. I was met with a flurry of questions about the other clinic. How was it? Was it huge? What were the people like? I read your blog! I can’t believe you peed on the doctor! How are you feeling? Do you feel pregnant yet? When do you test? As bombarded as I was - I felt 100% supported by my co-workers. Come on, Megan – just one more week. You can do this.

Day 4 (Tuesday 2/28)

More of the same carried over from Monday. For the record – No. I don’t feel pregnant. I feel bloated (from the estrogen support). My tits hurt (due to the progesterone). I’m trying not to confuse “symptoms” with “side effects” of the medications. Just for reference -- I didn’t start feeling sick until I was 8 weeks pregnant with Jacob. I expect the next month to be symptom free but heavy on the prying questions -- then when symptoms do kick in... no one is going to want to hear about it.

Day 5 (Wednesday 3/1)

I woke up from a wild dream. An Asian acrobat trio broke into my house. I was asleep and a female gently woke me up to inform me that my house was not secure as they easily snuck in without a problem. No – I protested – I lock up every night. The other two males were downstairs and she led me to them. They pointed out that my downstairs bathroom window was unlocked and her tiny frame could easily slip through the small window. Ahh – of course – how could I be so negligent? She reassured me that they were part of a security task force to make sure that people were safe in their homes at night.

Usually I don’t remember my dreams. The last time I had vivid, crazy dreams I was pregnant with Jacob. I could barely get back to sleep – I must be pregnant – this is a sign. I went into work and snuck a urine pregnancy test – which was negative. Damn it. But it’s too early to test. Damn it—I can’t believe it’s negative. Why did you test so soon? I needed to know. It must have been the diarrhea the night of the transfer. I ruined everything. You didn’t ruin anything – totally unrelated. You are fine -- you still have 5 more days. I know – but it should have flagged positive. Maybe the office ones aren’t as sensitive. Yes that could be true – I’ll buy special ones. Yes good—then you can test later this weekend. No – I’ll test tomorrow.

Oh geez…I’ve created a monster…

I was seriously bummed all day at work. Lackluster would be a better word. I had a spontaneous nose bleed in the afternoon which was odd. Must be the baby aspirin. Lying awake in bed - I spent the whole night looking at HCG curves and when would be the earliest detection after a transfer. I caught myself trolling IVF blogs and shaking my head at the ignorance of peoples’ posts. Wait a minute…who’s the neurotic freak that’s trying to cheat on her HCG urine test? That’s right – this girl. This level-headed, pragmatic, realist that should know better.

It was then I realized how absolutely insane I was becoming. And this isn’t even my baby… This isn’t my embryo that I worked so hard to create. And then I thought about my patients…who have struggled for so long and so hard. And some don’t even get to this stage of having an embryo transferred. Or sometimes they have only one. All of their emotions, finances, and prayers are tied into the hope of creating a life. A life whose fate can change with the wind.

It struck me just how sacred and fragile this whole process is. If these last few days have tested my sanity – think about the women that have gone years living one period at a time. One failed chance of pregnancy after the next. It has brought up a lot of feelings surrounding my pregnancy with Jacob. As much of an unexpected shock as it was – it was most welcome. Mostly because it solidified my ability to conceive – it marked my transition to motherhood from a young single girl living one carefree day after another in sunny Orange County. As much as my life has dramatically shifted – it has mostly all been for the better. I thought about how much Jacob has made me grow – how much I absolutely love being his mom. And how much I want Jillian and Anthony to share that joy for themselves.

Day 6 (Thursday 3/2)

Another wild dream woke me up. A non-English speaking Hispanic patient came into the office at 8 months of her pregnancy. She was having severe cramping and said there was something wrong with the baby. For whatever reason the front office staff put her in my office while someone else dialed 911 for an ambulance to transfer her to the hospital. All of a sudden she started moaning – I look down and I see her baby’s head crowning. I barely had enough time to throw on some gloves and I delivered the baby in my office. I was yelling at everyone – “Someone get me some towels! I need clamps!” The ambulance arrived and I rode the gurney out the back door.

All right – this is getting ridiculous. I have to be pregnant. I went to the bathroom and another nose bleed started. After cleaning myself up -- I busted out the ultra-sensitive UPTs – and bam! A faint line. Positive. A huge wave of relief and joy swept over me. I burst into tears knowing what this meant.

This is the true definition of hope. Good things are happening to good people. The world makes sense again.

But how do I tell Jillian? How do I make this news so special? A text picture of the pregnancy test? Nah…that’s too cliché. I know… I’ve got the perfect idea.

I arrived to work that morning and ordered a bouquet to be delivered to Jillian’s office on Monday morning with a card reading, “We are pregnant! Love, Your Stork”

In the meantime…I have to keep everything under wraps.

I was curious what my blood HCG would read with a faint positive urine test - usually a urine pregnancy test (UPT) flags as a positive if your serum HCG is >50. It was 22 – ack… not as high as I wanted. What if this is just a biochemical pregnancy? FYI…a biochemical pregnancy is one where the blood chemistry changes but the embryo stops developing early on. It’s usually indicated with a slow rise in HCG and then a plateau and then an eventual fall. Most biochemical pregnancies aren’t even detected and usually appear as a later than normal period or sometimes a heavier flow. You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking of all the late/heavy periods you’ve had in your life and thinking – wow that was probably a biochemical pregnancy that slipped through the cracks (pun intended).

Most biochemical pregnancies are due to embryo aneuploidy (which is fancy language for chromosomal abnormalities). Since this embryo has been through chromosomal screening the likelihood of a biochemical pregnancy should be low. However -- another example of me thinking about worst case scenarios.

HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours to indicate a healthy growth rate. The only thing I could do now was to test on Saturday and make sure it was a good rise. Otherwise…cancel on those flowers and deal with the alternative: Sad news and a gnarly period.

This is exactly why I tell my patients to wait to test...

Day 7 (Friday 3/3)

We had our annual employee retreat for the clinic – an afternoon devoted to pampering at the spa. I picked a facial and as I was filling out the intake form – a question jumped off the page: “Are you pregnant?”

Why, yes I am… 3 weeks and 5 days to be exact.

This was my double-duty day: I work at the clinic and then head into work a labor and delivery shift at the hospital (yes, a 12-hour night shift). I always joke that it’s like Bruce Wayne and Batman. Mild-mannered socialite by day -- then dealing with the crazies and adrenaline-filled adventures at night. My patient assignment that evening was un-characteristically lovely. (My shift 2 weeks ago was dealing with a meth addict who was swearing at staff one minute and singing love songs the next --Yep…definitely felt like Batman that night.)

It has been a really long time that I have really bonded with the patient – and I was able to see her through admission to delivery. There were some moments that were a little scary – when baby’s heart beat was a little too low for a little too long. That moment when your heart sinks and wonder how quickly you could get her moved back to the OR. But we got through it – we were connected, she listened, she persevered – and it was absolutely beautiful.

Day 8 (Saturday 3/4)

The morning after a long shift I headed over to my clinic to get another HCG ran. I was hoping the level would be above 44 --- it was 51.5. Score!

I was able to sleep throughout the day – surprisingly. Back to the hospital for another great shift! No epic delivery stories here – but this weekend reminded me why I continue to do this. Why I continue to stretch myself so thin – why my whole career has been dedicated to helping bring life into this world.

My co-workers at both jobs tease me for working so much. But they have to understand that they are a big reason why I keep doing this too. They are my family – some are even a stronger bond than my own blood. Continuing to work with them keeps the blood through that bond flowing.

Day 9 (Sunday 3/5)

A nice relaxing day with my mom and Jacob. Jillian started to get anxious… “Did you cheat?”

Ummmmm…..Hold strong, Megan!!!!

“I’m not declaring one or the other.” Smooth move – now she totally knows you did.

Day 10 (Monday 3/6)

The big reveal. Jillian and Anthony had been blowing up my phone all morning. Flowers had been delivered and I received a confirmation by Anthony. I wanted to make sure my levels were on the up and up before I let the cat fully out of the bag. HCG now should be above 100.

Boom – HCG 249. So I made the call and told them to….READ THE CARD!

Emphatic screams erupted – mixed with joyful tears. I mean…did we expect anything less??

NEXT STEPS:

- Follow-up HCG on Wednesday to check on the rise.

- My progesterone came back low – so I have to bump up my dose.

- Schedule OB ultrasounds for the end of the month with some hormone checks sprinkled throughout. Hopefully I can get that progesterone boosted in no time.

- Enjoy the pregnancy – most women don’t find out this early. I need to let go and let this carry out the way that it is intended. One of the biggest intentions of this post was to reflect on how easily one can become unrecognizably neurotic. How one can be entirely wrapped up in the testing and the science of this whole process – and completely miss the magic of life unfolding.

Thanks for making yourself at home, Little One!

It's amazing to think of this journey ahead. This baby (which is the size of a poppy seed, by the way) was generated by science, supported by love, and powered by none other than fairy dust.